Holidays are a time of sharing and reflection with family, friends, and especially with your spouse. But the output of money and the input of emotions cause stress in couple relationships. Recognizing feelings of disconnection and anger - and doing something about them - is vital to maintaining a healthy relationship through the holidays, especially in this difficult economic climate.
The good news, says Mona Barbera, Ph.D., author of Bring Yourself to Love (Dos Monos Press, 2008), is that, "You have the ability to stay calm and connected to your partner even when you feel hurt or disappointed. You can give better back, and turn a difficult situation into one of humor, connection, intimacy, and compassion."
Of course, Dr. Barbera says, it’s hard to stay loving when you are angry or frustrated and you don’t want to "act" nice when you don’t feel it. But, paradoxically, when you look inside and meet your own angry and distressed feelings, they relax. In fact, you might even find out that your anger is protecting some vulnerability you weren’t even aware of in the heat of the moment. Once you know what is happening inside you, you don’t have to resort to urgent attacking or distancing, and you can avoid the negative cycles that can make holidays unhappy.
In fact, Dr. Barbera says, "It often feels like your partner is causing those intense feelings in you, but if you look underneath your anger, hopelessness or need for your partner to change, you may find long-forgotten hurt feelings from your own past. If you can stop blaming your partner for those feelings, you have a better chance of feeling supported and loved."
Bring Yourself to Love
is the bronze medalist in the 2008 IPPY awards in the category of Sexuality and Relationships. It has 11 exercises that help committed couples move step-by-step to fresh, surprising solutions. Couples will find that they can get to know their own protective reactions, release their natural curiosity and compassion, and stay present to their partners even when they feel hurt or disappointed.
About Mona Barbera
Mona Barbera, PhD. is a licensed psychologist practicing in Boston, MA and Providence, RI. She specializes in couples’ therapy, couples therapy workshops, and provides couples-training workshops for psychotherapists. She has authored academic articles published in various professional journals. Dr. Barbera resides in Boston with her husband.
